The Fight - Why must there be a constant battle?

Why must there be a constant battle?  

I actually mean this in 2 forms...

1) A battle with myself
2) A battle with my child

Well, I guess the two battles happen simultaneously.  If  you weren't fighting with your child, you wouldn't have the battle with yourself.  

Shower time in my house is crazy.  It is very rare that my child will voluntarily take a shower (though it does happen here and there).  Each night is a fight to get her in the shower.  I remember a few years ago when my daughter was 7 a specific night that was no different.  My husband ran out to do an errand for my girl scout troop (god bless him) so mommy was giving the shower (thankfully I have a very supportive husband who used to do this horrible task of showering/bathing our daughter) but in this case that night I took the lesser of 2 evils (or so I thought).  The battle starts...my child refuses to go upstairs to take a shower...so...what did I do....what every other mother in my situation would do....bribery!  "Ok honey, if you go right up to take a quick shower, we can come back downstairs and watch a movie and have popcorn doesn't that sound like a good idea? "  Brilliant I thought, this would definitely work...she loves pajama movie night!  Not so much that night  So, needless to say, she lost that "privilege" pretty fast.  Next up...threats..."ok, well, you lost that fun special night that we could have had do you want to lose tv in your room for the night too".  This has to work...she loves watching her shows before bedtime...ummmm not so much!  

So then the battle with myself begins...I try to stay calm but I want to yell and scream and well...you know the drill...instead I do the ever so popular counting backwards from 5 giving her ample time to "make a good choice"  

So of course the situation escalated...Now, in my head, as my blood was boiling I was trying to rationalize with myself...I KNOW that this is not my child...this is part of her disability...When she gets really upset she becomes irrational and aggressive.  I KNOW the only way to calm her down is to stop being so stern and to hug her but the other side of my head says "well she has to know that I am serious and know who the boss is" and then the other side of my head says "if you don't give in now, it is going to get worse"...you get the idea of the fight with myself...it just goes on and on.  Eventually daddy came home and saved the day (and if you were wondering...NO she never did take a shower but...she didn't watch tv either...go me...I won the fight...or did I?.

The whole point of this story is that I know I am not the only one who goes through this battle on a regular basis (to this day we still battle several times a week).  Some of us go through this with our "typical" children, let alone our special needs children.  If it is not the shower it is homework or cleaning up after themselves or one of a million other issues that arise in our lives daily.  A parent of a "typical" child may commend me for staying strong and proving my point whereas a parent of a special needs child will sometimes just give up the fight earlier just from pure exhaustion and self preservation.  Is there a right or wrong answer...truthfully..I don't think so in the world of special needs families.  We all do what we need to do to get by, even if we are fighting the battle with ourselves.

Eventually I stopped fighting with her and let my husband deal with her.  At that point, I didn't care if he took her to the store to by her ice cream to make her feel better (he didn't).  I did feel like a horrible mom because I didn't listen to my gut when it said to stop arguing with her.  It is pointless when she gets to that point so why bother.  Had I just "given in" she would have taken a shower eventually before bedtime.  I guess sometimes when we "win" the fight with ourselves, but we really end up losing the fight with our children.  

Fast forward to tonight....here we are AGAIN with the battle....sometimes she is sweet as an angel and others...well...not so much!  What is it that makes them turn?  What is it that makes them go from smiling and laughing to bashing their hands against the way screaming and hitting me?  What are the warning signs?  What are we missing?  It is almost like she is Sybil.  It is scary sometimes...I fear for her, I fear for me, I fear for anyone withing an arms distance from her when she has her fits. She is getting very strong and really hurts.  Am I a horrible mother for not "liking" her sometimes.  I mean, yes I will always love her but there are times I just don't like her and tonight is one of those times.  

I do believe that when dealing with special needs children we need to stay calm and think outside the box.  It is not giving in or losing the fight...it is doing what is best for our children at that time.  Of course it is easier said then done when you are in the middle of it.   As I sit here typing, my daughter is just about making herself throw up from screaming so hard in the shower.  God bless my husband (he truly is a saint) because as the fight started with me tonight,  he took over and is dealing with the wrath.  I am turning to my "therapy" and sharing our story.  It is not a good cop/bad cop thing, it is a survival thing.  Thankfully my husband and I work so well together that we can save each other most of the time.  I guess I should venture back out to the "real world" now that she is out of the shower and a bit calmer.  

I would call this round a win for daddy....she did take a shower but kicking and screaming the whole way. 

Until next time...

Jenn